The professor’s face was set amongst pleasantly rounded features – stub nose, soft cheeks spread across the gentle slope of his jawline, topped off by a pat of fine ginger hair and a pair of affable eyes that rested lazily under slightly-smudged and overlarge glasses.
We had been discussing my future as a graduate student. I mumbled something along the lines of “kind of” to one of his inquiries about my academic intents and ambitions.
“‘Kind of?’” he responded, laughter pulling those features into sharp, fine lines. “You’re either pregnant or you’re not.”
That sentence haunted me for a really long time. Months, weeks and so on. Even today, I think about it still.
That, and my response, which was simply a listless and non-committal, “Yeah.”
God. Damn. It.
So many other things that could have been said in that seconds after “you’re not.” So many things that should have been. Among these:
- “Only if I don’t know who the father is.”
- “Schrödinger’s pregnancy!”
- “Sir, I am pregnant until I’m not. And I’m not until I am.”
I think I have finally realized what happened, way back then. I missed it.
I had missed my shot.
Other people had said similar things to me since.
But it’s not the same.
Besides, the universe is not to be trusted when it comes to do-overs.
So many regrets in this life. In the end, what’s one more?
One more yeah.
Everyday Existential Crises
1. The shrinking moon.
2. No coffee in the coffee cups on Gilmore Girls, ever.
3. 5:00AM anywhere.
4. The number of cats I have met named Schrödinger (0r named Schrödinger’s Cat).
5. The number of cats I have met not named Schrödinger (0r named Schrödinger’s Cat).
6. Tinted windows at Chuck E. Cheese.
7. Being told to smile. By a stranger. Anyone.
8. Bill Paxton or Dennis Quaid? BILL PAXTON or DENNIS QUAID?
9. Maps in novels.
10. Those who refer to other animals, not monkeys, as monkeys.
11. The REFRESH button.
13. Scattered showers.
14. For now, for a while, zombies and superheroes. Where ever.
15. Everyone at Chapters.
16. “Cash money”.
1. Nature Calls
3. Purple Nurple
5. The Least We Could Do
7. American Coot
8. The Taxidermists
9. Two Dollar Cover Charge
11. Lucky Rabbit’s Foot
12. The Dirty Puns
13. Harry Carrie
14. Eat Up Martha
15. Read My Blog
1. Cops With Goatees
2. Bread is Pain
3. Attend to My Wounds
4. 5:00AM Anywhere
5. That Warm Body Next to Me
6. Pretty Shirts on Men
7. Free Gift With Purchase
8. TO BE SURE…
9. George Denzel Washington Craver
Birds I Have Seen
1. Indigo Bunting
2. Red-Eyed Vireo
3. Bohemian Waxwing
4. YO MOMMA
5. American Coot
Possible Pubs and/or Restaurants
1. The Cock & Block
2. THE TAXIDERMISTS
3. Clarice Starling’s Place
4. The Vegan Tart
5. The Shrinking Moon
Thoughts on the Bus
1. See above, all.
*Band names I had to delete from this list, because they already exist, for real: The Freudian Slits, Aftershave, Razorburn, Dreamboat and Montezuma’s Revenge.