Sometimes, the only thing to do is to get it down. Save it. Relish it. Keep it pure:
Unsolicited Opinion: “Books are dead.”
Conspiracy: “The Illuminati have Tupac because his music is too good.”
Religion & Science: “Cindy, that was over 2,000 years ago. Before science. Back then that shit [immaculate conception] was possible.”
Elderly Neighbour: “Dear, what is a ‘dingleberry?'”
Anatomy: “That’s my candy gettin’ arm!”
Life Advice: “If you don’t want to have a baby, just have one!”
12-Year-Old’s Prognosis: “I like it how my knee kills me and then it just doesn’t.”
Power Couple: “Babe, what’s glands?”
Term Paper Gem: “[Margaret] Mead was a woman who wore capes, was flamboyant, and although maimed at one point, had a lesbian affair with Ruth Benedict.”
Hetero Idiot: “Gay guys hit on me all the time. I’m what’s known as a ‘bear.'”
PSA: “Basement floods are on the rise.”
Did you know?
My friend, Ria, plays a mighty fine Grave Game: think up the best epitaph you can, for posterity’s sake. It certainly helps to pass the inevitable time.
(I guess the game should be called “Epitaphs,” but sometimes the names pick themselves.)
Nobody will ever read your yearbook, but someone’s bound to walk pass your grave.
– I Never Read The Book.
– Must Be Nice.
– Bitch, Please.
– Omar Coming.
– BEHIND YOU.
– Fine Enough.
– Here Lies Lisa Simpson.
– My Other Grave Is A Camaro.
– Kind Of Hard Not To Take This Personally.
– Weasel Popped.
– I Doughnut Care.
– Shredded Hearts Or Cheese, Makes No Difference.
– I Voted.
– What? These Old Bones?
– “The Thing in Quotes That Defines Me.”
– Am The Dust Collecting Now.
– No More Fart Jokes.
– I Tried, I Tired.
– Don’t Blink.
– Have A Nice Summer!
– The Whole Thing Was Pretty Distracting.
– Imagine Now How I’d Look In Real Life.
– People. Do. It. Every. Day.
– Finally Got It.
– Better You Than Me.
– I Used To Be A Lot Better Than This.
– Now Comes The Hard Part.
– Yoga? Dead Anyway.
– The Movie Was Better.