Category Archives: Words

March 20, 2020 · 8:54 pm

Small Goals

To see a pelican in real life. Have I seen a pelican in real life? I’m not too sure. Doesn’t have to be where pelicans live; a zoo or, better yet, an aviary will do. Perhaps one attached to an eccentric billionaire’s house or a haunted estate. Either works. I’m not picky.

***

Homemade bread. Not to make it, but having some would be nice.

***

Clean my keyboard, iPhone and stove or at lesat think about doing these things as if I’ll actually do them.

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Plant a seed and watch it grow.

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Actually, I have seen a pelican in real life. But I thought it was a heron and didn’t really look at it till too late.

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Use the word, “fantastical” as often as seems warranted.

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Finish reading one book for every two that I start.

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Better late-night snacks. Something tangy and sweet.

***

I have just been informed that the bird I thought was a heron but was actually a pelican was not actually a pelican but was, actually, a heron. Therefore, I will continue accept any and all invitations to billionaire aviaries and/or haunted estates, fantastical as that may seem.

***

Just started two more books. And all my seedlings died.

***

Also: is salsa a good 2:00AM snack? It expired a week ago. Going to eat it warm with a spoon.

***

My stove is so dirty tho…

***

Still waiting on that bread…

***

Realize that herons are just as good as pelicans and leave it at that.

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Filed under Birds, Books, Change, Downtime, Food, Ghosts, Mind and Body, Nature, Words

Tagged as Dirty Stove, Eccentric Billionare, Fantastical, Haunted Estate, Heron, Homemade Bread, Pelican, Salsa, Seedlings, Snacks, Zoo

February 6, 2020 · 2:01 pm

Open Secrets, Vol. 16

It’s right there in the title.
I wouldn’t if I weren’t you.
Rough assemblages still count.
Out, but not down. (Not yet). (Not yet?).
Yes, you did.
For fashion, of course.
Tomorrow’s tomorrow, or yesterday’s tomorrow?
I heard it too.
Prestigious hardly pays.
So is that the score?
Status v. Stature
How about no?
That last bit, though.
Today’s no good.
Happily Not Yours.
Punctuation! Matters?
Emphasis mine.
Really, anywhere that puts me closest to the coffee maker.
Untitled Works are just as good.

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Filed under Language, THE FUTURE, THE PAST, Words

Tagged as Coffee Maker, Fashion, No, Punctuation, Rough Assemblages, Status, Today, Tomorrow, Untitled Works, Yesterday

September 11, 2019 · 3:39 pm

[CC]

My sister thinks it’s strange that I watch TV with the volume turned low and with the closed captioning on. She thinks it’s funny (not “Ha, ha” funny more, “That’s…hiLARious). I’ve never really thought all that much about it, but it occurs to me that I’ve been watching TV like this for some time now. A few years at least.

Reasons why are plenty, come to think of it:

1) We have the technology, better than it’s ever been (for the moment).

2) I live in a small place and having the TV turned up loud dominates the whole house. Really, it just takes over everything.

3) I have trouble hearing/understanding fast dialogue (i.e. Gilmore Girls), unfamiliar accents (i.e. Harry Potter movies) or languages (i.e. German as well as High Valyrian).

4) Descriptions as well as dialogue: [ominous whooshing] [boisterous chatter] [SCREAMS] [muttering] [whistle shrieks] [romantic music] [LOUD PROTEST] [softly]

5) Comparing the dialogue with the captioning, following along and seeing where they diverge or witnessing how faithful they are to one another is strangely fascinating. Closed captioning can be wildly uneven (i.e. done by people, a service, bots, in-house or outsourced; done for real-time broadcasts, live shows or streaming services) – at times it can be quite daunting to follow, let alone rely upon for transcription, interpretation, translation.

6) There are also styles of closed captions, pop-on/block (words appear in rows/complete sentences with add-on rows as you go), and roll-up/scrolling (words appearing left to right, one line at a time) being the two main ones. Depending on the method and quality, words on screen can move along with the action or ahead of it or lag woefully behind (if they appear at all).

7) Weird questions of censorship: “swear words” (however so defined by those involved, yet their intent is obvious from the proverbial get-go) left out in some places and some shows, but not others. Whose responsible for that? Why do they care? Why would they? Fucking prudes.

All those reasons, and also, because of them, this: a vast and growing dissatisfaction with the way some shows, movies and broadcasts are, for lack of a better word, paraphrased by the closed captioning, and often badly. So badly done, actually, that it’s just wrong. Hacked-up. I can tell the difference, but then I am an abled person whose hearing is not impaired.

All those absent words, all that incomplete action, all those pieces of the story missing, gone and/or rendered completely nonsensical. Where’s the context? What’s the rhyme or reason? Where’s the nuance?

Why set out to do something if only so that you can do it wrong? Don’t be cheap. Don’t make it cheap.

Word-for-word, it matters.

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Filed under Communications, Entertainment, Family, Language, Movies, Pop Culture, Television, Words

Tagged as Bots, Censorship, Closed Captioning, Dialogue, Gilmore Girls, High Valyrian, Ominous Whoosing, Paraphrase, Pop-On, Roll-Up, SCREAMS, Story, Transcription, Translation

August 7, 2019 · 12:00 am

And Now (And in No Particular Order) A List of Good Words*

Splendid
Redolent
Peccadillo
Ornery
Flotsam
Crux
Dire
Rot
Nasty
Jazz
Pluck
Gumption
Crotch
Sultry
Cracked
Unrepentant
Pit
Moist
Bum
Despondent
Junk
Thingy
Bold
Sallow
Exuberant
Rancid
Dick
Grotesque

– Etc.

________________________________________________

*Please use at will and with or without restraint.^

^Enjoy.

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Filed under Language, Words

Tagged as Cracked, Grotesque, Peccadillo, Splendid

June 5, 2019 · 11:28 pm

Gros Michel & The Anaconda

Did you know? All bananas are clones.

Not all. But the ones we (you & me) buy at the supermarket are overwhelmingly clones, produced via cuttings of the most desirable progenitors; therefore (re)produced clonally.

Gros Micheal. That is the variety that dominates, that we consume, that we eat for breakfast. Which we have as snacks during our busy, hectic days.

But this is hardly new knowledge. These are just facts.

It’s just…the fact that the bananas we consume are genetically identical seems absurd, doesn’t it? Absolutely preposterous. That’s why a banana tastes like a banana tastes like a banana. It’s why a banana never not fits in a Banana Guard^TM. Haven’t you noticed that?

It never not fits.

***

But not all copies are not always created equal. Lacking males (or perhaps it’s better to say “bereft of suitable males”) some reptiles, for example, have been known to spontaneously self-replicate, a process known as parthenogenesis (derived from the Greek meaning “virgin birth”).

However, genetic material can get shifted during parthenogenesis, shuffled like a deck of cards, thereby producing imperfect copies of the progenitor.

Not so for Anna the Anaconda, current denizen of Boston’s New England Aquarium and mother of 18 identical babies – identical to each other and to herself and born without Anna ever having contact with a male of her species.

Anna, in essence, gave birth to herself: 18 babies worth. Only two survived. Still, that seems so much better (i.e. simpler, easier) and frankly more impressive than, for instance, being your own grandfather; no paradoxes there. No needless complications. Just the question of creation itself. Only the mystery of it, going forward, as we hurtle through time.

The same cannot be said for our Gros Micheal.

But then, it’s hard to complicate a banana.

***

Anna is also a palindrome, derived from the Greek meaning “again” and “way or direction.”

“Running back again.”

Never odd or even.

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Filed under Animals, Food, Nature, THE FUTURE, THE PAST, Time, Words

Tagged as Anaconda, Babies, Banana, Banana Guard, Clones, Creation, Greek, Mystery, Palindrome, Paradox, Parthenogenesis, Progenitor, Reproduction, Reptiles

May 15, 2019 · 12:00 am

Titles of Biographies Written by People Who Never Actually Talked To Me (Likely, I Forgot to Call Them Back)*

That Bitch
Hopeful Disappointments
Of Course Not
Like, The Right Amount
Cockamamie Outcomes & Contradictions
Wayward Consequences
You Heard Dirty
Shut It Down, Bring It Up
Enviable Indignities
The Pits
Knee High
Where Applicable?
About Thirteen
And Such That It Wasn’t
HELLO STALLION!
Normal Weird
Once or Twice
Light Here
Every. Damn. Day.
Good Psychology, Bad Math
Pffffffffftttt!!!
The Skinny On The Shit
No, Actually
Stupid Good Times
Origami Logic
Oh, You Bet
That Bitch

________________________________________________

* Please follow any of these with “The Cindy Phan Story,” where you feel it best fits.

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Filed under Animals, Books, Mind and Body, Relationships, THE FUTURE, Words

Tagged as Biography, Dirty, Logic, Of Course, Origami, Stallion, That Bitch, The Pits, The Shit, The Skinny, Thirteen, Weird

May 8, 2019 · 12:00 am

Favourite

I have an aunt who would ask me all the time, “Am I your favourite?”

I have a lot of aunts. She wanted, it seems, to stand out distinguished among them.

(Though there are a lot of aunts, they are not interchangeable, but the issue seems to be hers exclusively.)

As time passed, the questioned changed:

“Who’s your favourite?”

And changed again:

“I’m your favourite, right?”

Until, finally:

“Tell them who your favourite is.”

“No,” “Why,” “I don’t know” did not deter her from asking her question, and neither did “Yes.”

“Yes,” as you can see, was what led to further questions until the inevitable “tell them.”

(NOTE: “I don’t have a favourite,” was met with disbelief and scorn, and also the equally predictable demands for a “real” answer. Demands for “the truth.”)

The truth is this: I no longer speak to that aunt. Not anymore than I have to, anyway. Which is to say not a lot. Which is to say not much.

Funny now, looking back on things. Funny the lengths we go through, the trouble and expense, to define something for others on behalf of ourselves.

Among other things, “favourite” means “chosen”, “preferred”, and “cherished.”

No longer speaking to my aunt is my choice, it is my preference and something I have come to cherish.

My favourite.

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Filed under Change, Family, Relationships, THE PAST, Words

Tagged as Aunt, Cherished, Definitions, Favourite, The Inevitable, Truth

April 5, 2019 · 6:43 pm

Elementary Logic

One of the first people to influence my love of books was my elementary school librarian, Mrs. Oliver.

(I’m not sure if that’s her real name, it was certainly something that sounded like “Oliver.”)

Tall, straw-haired, soft-spoken Mrs. Oliver. Quick to help you find the books you’re looking for and to suggest other books you might enjoy, sometimes very much and often for different reasons. Knowledgable and stalwart, friendly yet adamant, Mrs. Oliver.

She was very good at her job. She was, in every way that counted, perfection.

Our library was small but serviceable, the books arranged according to grade level as well as alphabetically. Lower grades (kindergarten to grade 3) on the lower shelves. Higher grades (4 to 6) on the higher shelves. Easy peasy. A very workable, easy-to-understand system.

I read widely and largely ignored this system. The “fact books” (i.e. “Facts on Dogs,” “Facts on Trucks,” “Facts on Trees,” “Facts on The Breeze”… your basic all-purpose non-fiction for beginners) located on the fourth shelf from the bottom – the shelf meant for the older students and not second-graders like me – were a particular favourite. I read them often, even checked a few out using our self-check-out system (back then, a sign-out sheet with matching card placed in an envelope glued to the inside jacket of the books).

I did this for weeks. I did it for months and months.

***

This is a true story:

One day, as I reached for the fourth level self, Mrs. Oliver appeared and, gently but firmly, stopped me.

“You can’t take those books out, I’m afraid. They’re for the older students only.” She pulled the book from my hands and put it back in its place on its shelf. From then on, she watched me whenever I was in the library, making sure I would not access books above my grade. Making sure the system, the whole system, in its entirely, worked, and was therefore perfect.

She was always still and in every other respect, the one and only Mrs. Oliver.

By the time I reached the fifth grade, and was therefore able to take out almost any book I wished, Mrs. Oliver was gone, replaced by someone whose name and face I definitely do not remember.

But I do remember thinking, the day she took the book away from my small hands: “Oh, Mrs. Oliver. You just did it, didn’t you?

You made an enemy for life.”

Let me repeat.

For life, Mrs. Oliver.

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Filed under Books, Childhood, Education, People, School, THE PAST, Words

Tagged as Enemy For Life, Facts, For Life, Library, Mrs. Oliver, Reading, Red Books, Second Grade, Self-Check-Out, The System