Category Archives: Communications

Things I Learned Last Week

  1. Dried out grapefruit is still grapefruit, but not great grapefruit.
  2. Semi-identical twins!
  3. Sometimes the weather really is all there is to talk about.
  4. If you put a dinosaur on it, I will buy it.
  5. More lemon water please!
  6. Take care of your cast iron and it will take care of you.
  7. Beware the jerks (but no need to fret over them).
  8. I like asking nicely until I don’t.
  9. My dog is DRAMATIC.
  10. Nothing like bad advice to put the rest of the day into perspective.
  11. Spicy beef patties or nothing at all.
  12. It’s good to be present, if not always available.
  13. Talents come in all shapes and sizes and, occasionally, smells.
  14. How to read the imperfect novel (still learning that one).
  15. Less brains doesn’t mean more heart.
  16. I hate “Actually.”
  17. Odd numbers please me.

 

 

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Filed under Animals, Books, Change, Communications, Dogs, Food, Hobbies

Open Secrets, Vol. 15

  • Descent into: chaos, madness, despair.
  • Everything eventually possible.
  • Skin deep is still deep.
  • Normal vs. New Normal.
  • Quietly: plotting, dreaming, lusting.
  • Go. Ahead.
  • Take out/Eat in.
  • Lovely vs. Delightful
  • Enough is already enough.
  • Augmented: reality, fourths, butts.
  • Profanity is life.
  • Over the moon/Under the sun.
  • Please Me vs. Excuse YOU.
  • That was the deal?

 

 

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Filed under Communications, THE FUTURE, Words

Bad, Worse, Worst Advice

A lot of bad advice – some solicited, most decidedly not – over the years.

1. “If you don’t want to have a baby, just have one.”
2. “You should get married so my daughters can be flower girls at your wedding.”
3. “Just feel sorry for them and help.”

Of these three, only the third has been truly damaging (the first two are blatantly self-serving, but also so patently ridiculous as to be laughable – actually laughed in the face of Advice Giver #2).

Of the three, the third has caused me so much trouble, some heartache.

No one wants to be pitied. To help or be with anyone just because you pity them diminishes you both. Makes you linger in a relationship long after it’s gone bad; makes you engage in one that was bad to begin with. Makes you excuse behaviour (yours, theirs) that in any other circumstance (i.e. those outside the parameters of the pity party circle) would simply not stand in the harsh but brilliant light of day.

Took a while to learn all that because it sounds good, doesn’t it? Pity does.

Pity (noun):*

1. a. sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy; b. capacity to feel pity.

It is as evidently self-serving as it is apparently self-sacrificing. It’s what allows you to invest massive amounts of emotional and physical labour – of time, effort and expense – with little or no or (more often than not), negative return.

All because you feel sorry for someone. Because you feel bad for them. Because you’re a good person doing a good thing for someone you truly, truly needs it (and from you in particular).

Ha.

I have stayed in all manner of toxic relationships because of pity. Pity is what kept us together, even if it kept us down.

Whose fault is that? Whose responsibility? Who’s to be held accountable?

Pity (noun):

2. something to be regretted.

More’s the pity, I suppose.

And less is more.

 

 

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* Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pity.

 

 

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Filed under Communications, Language, Relationships

Things I Never Said

1. That you were annoying (not in that capacity).
2. That I didn’t like X (rather, that I’m allergic to it).
3. That that, now that, was a cute kid.
4. That I’d love to (I would not).
5. That it was a good idea (it wasn’t, but we only knew that in retrospect, didn’t we?).
6. That it couldn’t be there (only that it was unlikely that it could have been there).
7. That it was more, or less, than that.
8. That I got this (I do not…or god, do I do not).
9. That didn’t know (I mean, not exactly).
10. That is was the correct thing to do (what is correct that it can’t be amended?).

BONUS ROUND:

That that was that (that being what it’s always been, or always will be, or always has been).

Curious, that.

 

 

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Filed under Communications, Language, Words

Future Tense

I’ve found that I can commit to things (i.e. birthday parties, baby showers, dinners out, shows) when I already (that is beforehand) have an exit strategy in place (i.e. illness, emergency, act of God).

“I’m, uh, rather feverish at the moment.”

“My dog threw up!”

“My roof collapsed?”

I seldom, if ever, use the exit. But the fact that it is there, in place, is as much as a comfort as it is a crutch (is this, really, the Good Life? Can’t I do better?).

Also this: I tell myself that the event is so far, like out there, in the future, that it’s almost like not committing at all! That is a problem for another day, which is not today, maybe not even tomorrow.

And then, eventually, it hits me: the future is now. Or it will be.

Every. Single. Time.

(For the time being, anyway.)

I suppose I could just commit to less, make things more manageable, more orderly, less stressful. But I’m not there yet. I’m still not up to being that person, not yet.

I am becoming that person, yes, certainly. Eventually, I think so, I hope so.

But not now.

For now (for right now): I’d love to go to your thing! Count me in!

Yeah. Can’t hardly wait.

 

 

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Filed under Change, Communications, Events, Interruptions, Mind and Body, Philosophy, Routines, THE FUTURE

The Dance

We bought a new (used) car over the weekend after weeks of searching. It’s a nice car, reliable, in nice condition. Boring. Perfect.

This is our first time buying from a dealership with actual haggling involved (our last car, a 1998 Jeep Cherokee, was purchased from a friend).

It is a delicate dance. A lot of back and forth, more than enough room for missteps.

A lot of: “You’re getting the very best price, believe me.”

A lot of: “But think about it this way.”

A lot of: “OK. OK. Let me go talk to my manager.”

Let me go talk to my manager.

Deflection is key. Both sides must try to get what they want without showing how badly they want it. No one can lose their cool. Smiles all around, but also a few carefully thrown in frowns and just the right, exactly right, amount of doubt, hesitation ought to manifest.

Some: “Hmmmm…”

Some: “Good point, although…”

Some: “Well, I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

Hmmmm.

By the end, ideally, everybody should get a little of what they want. But not everything.

For our first time, we made it through relatively unscathed. And our leasing manager seemed more than fine.

It’s about what we wanted, however badly or not.

 

 

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Filed under Ceremony, Communications, Plans, Relationships, Ritual

Stranger Encounters

They happen.

At times and in turns unsolicited, unprovoked, utterly unreal.

 

1. Flower Market, New Delhi

Random Man: “You there! You are at the flower market and you can’t smile?”

 

2. Dog Park, High Park, Toronto

Dogwalker [runs up to me and Lou]: “Look at him! Him? He’s beautiful. Lovely bone structure. You’re lucky to have him. Congratulations!”

 

3. Coffee Time, Kitchener

Woman Steps Through Front Door: “Dang, dang! Y’all got none of them there cheese cussiants, do ya?”

 

4. Beaches, Toronto

City Garbage Worker [jumps off side of moving truck ]: “Hey! [points to truck driver] He’s Filipino!”

 

5. Ben Thanh Market, Ho Chi Minh City

Vendor [referring to Stephen]: “He has such a gentle face!”

 

6. Beaches, Toronto

Random Man [points to Lou]: “Heinz 57! Heinz 57!”

 

7. Downtown Kitchener

Random Man [blocks my path, bows]: “Ni hao, ni hao, ni hao!”

 

8. Calgary, Alberta

Random Man [yelling from driver’s side of parked pick up truck as Stephen and I walk down the street]: “Got him walking on the outside of the sidewalk! Good man you got there!”

 

 

 

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Filed under Communications, Dogs, People, Places, Plants, Uncategorized

The Art of Conversing…

…with other people. It’s not easy, but it’s not always hard. Or, at least, it doesn’t have to be. Not always.

Evidently, it’s best to let conversation flow by allowing, at times encouraging, the other person to talk about themselves. Forget topics like politics or work or religion or the weather.

Get them to talk about themselves.

Hardly a feat.

People love to talk about themselves! So many of them just do. Which can be a great advantage because information is power and there are so many fools out there and fools slip up all the time, inadvertently showing you who they really are in a few poorly contrived quips or two (or three or four depending on the fool and their personal level of foolishness).

 

*Bronze Level Foolishness*

“I don’t know exactly. But. I. Am. Sure.”

“I know you said you’re not interested, but I’m going to leave the door open. I’m just going to leave it open. It’s open.”

“I only drink water in the morning so that it will last all day and I won’t need to stop to drink. My body knows. Saves time.”

 

**Sliver Level Foolery**

“Well, when I’m up, I assume everyone is up! Because they should be.”

*[Scoffs wetly to emphasize point]* 

“I will not abide graffiti.”

“See how slim my fingers are? Intelligence!”

  

***Gold Level Fools***

“Gay guys hit on me all the time! I’m what’s known as a ‘bear.’”

I’ve never seen anything racist, so…you know?”

*[Blinks slowly for effect]* 

“Listen, if I had started fathering children at sixteen I’d be a grandfather by now!”

“I should make lesbian porn because I know what lesbians like!”

 

Maya Angelou said it best: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Believe.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Communications, Language, People, Relationships

Know What Annoys Me?

You.

Or, rather, dealing with you, the person that is you. Or whoever it is that you become when you annoy me.

Not all the time, but sometimes. Enough? Too much?

Hard to assign responsibility here, and don’t want to give too much credit.

BUT.

Here. We. Are.

Maybe it’s not you or me, but us.

Though I doubt it. You seem fine. I’m just not.

What are we even doing here?

Let’s change the subject…

Lovely weather, is it not?

(You annoy me so much.)

Beautiful day!

(Except when you don’t.)

Think it will rain?

(It’s not a matter of “if” but “when.”)

A little rain never hurt anybody!

(Like the tides, or the apocalypse.)

Hm? Yes, of course, I’ll call you!

That goes without saying, does it?

Oh.

Well.

It should.

 

 

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Filed under Communications, Emotion, Friends, People, Relationships

Good Intentions

What are these actually worth, especially when what they amount to is hurt and pain and misery…or inconvenience or humiliation or shame?

No one says, “Well, at least I had good intentions” when everything turns out OK and no one is upset or offended or otherwise injured. When the shit doesn’t hit the fan.

You can’t take credit and admit guilt. Absolve and take responsibility.

But you can try, and probably get away with most of what you’re after. Eat that cake, and have it too. Big bites, anyway. Juicy ones.

If that’s what you intend.

If that’s the best you’ve got.

If you know what I mean.

 

 

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Filed under Ceremony, Communications, Language, Words