I made an incredible and terrifying discovery last night as I was channel surfing.
My television set is, in a very literal sense, a prison.
And I am its Reluctant Warden.
There is a tiny woman trapped in my TV.
Every time I press the “MUTE” button she appears, unrepentant. Demanding.
What’s keeping her there?
- Something inherent?
- Something ordained?
- Something arbitrary?
- Something excessive?
I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.
I DO know that every time I turn off the sound on my TV, there she is, valiantly trying to get my attention. Trying to get me to FOCUS.
But her erratic flashing on the screen amounts to little more than a trying disruption that, ironically, actually, and utterly underscores the absence of the sounds of the Things that I am watching at that moment rather than the fact that, yes, I can see you now in your ongoing plight, Tiny Woman.
Tiny Woman, I am a creature of habit and for that I am sorry.
I want to help you.
I cannot help you.
Tiny Woman! Do you have to be so…insistent? I’ve got other things on my mind, you know – IMPORTANT THINGS…
…and I’ll get to you if and when I get the chance.
Things can’t be that bad, after all. Maybe if you’d stop making such a fuss you’d see that. Nothing’s perfect, after all. At least you’re not on a TV in, like, Afghanistan or something.
Tiny Woman! Don’t you understand that Two and A Half Men is on? Do you know how many CSI’s they have now? There are housewives being desperate EVERYWHERE and I just can’t turn away from that, O.K.?
Tiny Woman, they are making omelettes with 12 full eggs now! There are cake-offs and top models! Toddlers in tiaras! Idols being made!!!
I tell you this, Tiny Woman: it won’t get any better than this.
It really can’t.
TURN IT OFF, TURN HER OFF, TURN IT OFF, TURN HER OFF, TURN IT OFF.
Oh my God.
I just want my life back.
Time to turn up the sound!