The latest theories of dinosaur evolution may be pushing the limits of the boundaries of our understanding of dinosaurs as we know it, but they are ruining my childhood.
I know, I KNOW, a lot of people are lamenting that the Progress of Things are ruining their childhoods, but I’m not talking about space movies or muppets, glossed over for the sake box office bucks.
I’m talking about science itself doing the job this time.
SCIENCE, motherfucker!
According to paleontologists, some dinosaurs most likely evolved into birds or were on their way to that because of SCIENCE, or whatever, while others had “protofeathers” for insulation, or something. It’s EVOLUTION (“things change…because”).
Fine.
But, wait, no.
NOT FINE.
Okay. So, remember Jurassic Park? Remember how scared and thrilled you were as you sat, entranced, as the Velociraptors outsmarted that vaguely Australian guy (“clever girl”), terrorized those Spielbergian brats, and threw down with the Almighty T-Rex?
Wasn’t that AWESOME?
Dinosaur Dick Says:
There’s one in every humanity.
Jurassic Park was a great movie that helped bring our dreams of dinosaurs to life. It helped make real those drawings you made and plastered all over your room; those plastic T-Rex and Triceratops toys you “fought” over and over in your front lawn; that entire library of books filled with pictures of TERRIBLE (as in “FEARFULLY GREAT”) LIZARDS that you kept under your bed.
And it still paled in comparison to what we were able to imagine before the advent of CGI.
Oh HELL yeah.
But it looks like that’s all, retroactively, over.
Because, according to the people who study the bones of beasts so old the bones are stones, there are dinosaurs out there that were always and have always been covered – in part or in whole – with feathers.
Feathers.
Feathers aren’t TERRIBLE.
Feathers aren’t awesome.
Feathers are hollow.
Feathers are lame.
Feathers, on dinosaurs, are pretty much interchangeable with the following, on dinosaurs:
1)
I lived in a house made of this once. It was as great as that sounds.
2)
Not to hard, not too soft, firmly disappointing.
3)
The pimento is the best part of a bad situation.
The situation with these new-fangled dinos is a lot like that of watching the generation of kids who grew up after you, who only know Michael Jackson not for his music.
You and Yours.
Them and Theirs.
See what I’m getting at? They are getting in trade something that resides on the wrong side of incredible.
It’s awry.
The Before the After.
The After the Before
Our only hope: Birds, go back!
Do it now.
Save us from ourselves!!!
FINE.
